it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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