Betty ford says i'm here all night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
