That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
