Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
