Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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