Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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