I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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