it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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