I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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