youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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