This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
