her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
