I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
