my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize