just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
