Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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