We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
