Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
