i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
