he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
