You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
