I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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