Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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