she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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