You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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