I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
