Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You made out with two different species that night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
