this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
