i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
