he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
