I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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