When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Two words: nipple clamps
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