I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
