I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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