I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
