woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
