o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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