Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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