I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
