Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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