I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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