my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
