four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
