I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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