if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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