how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
