If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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