You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
