I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Randomize
