She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
