it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
