Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
