My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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