Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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