I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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