highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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