I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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