I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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