I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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