Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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