Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
