eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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