Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
