I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
