There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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