That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
