Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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